


The Crazy Xena Story

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Comedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-05 03:10:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11004723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Ares' ChosenA comedy based on the irritating blonde theory. Normally I don't Gab bash...but this is a comedy!!! A rather silly one!





	The Crazy Xena Story

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not and never will (drat!) own any of the characters from X:WP or HTLJ. I’m not making any money from this yadda, yadda, yadda and I never will so don’t even bother suing me. If you want to use this story on your page just write and ask me! I most likely will say yes! Now onto the story. Oh yeah, this story has a tiny bit of low coarse language, no sex and no subtext (I don’t think). Now onto the story!!!

"Can’t you just smell the flowers and feel the peace and happiness in the earth! It’s so clean and fragant, there would be peace only in the world, just people being happy and smelling the flowers!. Xena, smell the flowers, let their happiness radiate into you. They would bring peace to everyone if certain warriors and gods didn’t meddle with peace!" Gabrielle spoke in a singing voice to Xena. The warrior princess however at the time was contemplating who was better company, Gabrielle or Ares. She reached her decision. "Gabrielle…" Xena started to speak to the cuckoo bard, who was still chattering away. "Gabrielle…" No response, Xena spoke again "Gabrielle…" the bard still didn’t respond. "GODSDAMNIT, GABRIELLE! LISTEN!!!!" The bard looked up to at the warrior to listen. "THANKYOU, uh…Gabrielle, I need to tell you something,…I …I have something…no…yes" Gabrielle looked at the warrior with a weird statement on her face, she spoke up then "Xena, you need to get out more and have a life…like me!" Xena looked at the innocent looking bard and felt anger and hatred burning up inside of herself. _What freakin’ life does that loopy bard have? She doesn’t have one. She is so out of it, MMmmm maybe I can get her to leave me by getting her to…Nah! I’m going back to Ares at least there’s something between us!_ "Gabrielle, can you shut up, you don’t have a freakin’ life. I need to tell you something…I’m leaving you HERE!!!! I’m …uh…traveling around…BY MYSELF…for a while and I don’t want you…to…come with me in case you…get…hurt or…crucified again ( _good thinking Xena_ ). Since you’ve taken up that peace kick thingy…BYE!!!" With that Xena quickly packed up her stuff and rode towards Ares’ temple.   
  
Gabrielle sat there thinking, _At least I can pick friggin’ flowers in furkin’ peace, Aaahhh the trees, the stream and the flowers what more could you want. I think I might live here!!! Yes I will._ The Amazon queen started to build her house which consisted of nothing but arranged flowers!   
  
Meanwhile, Xena rode on until she saw Ares’ temple in the background. She dismounted Argo and entered the temple. "Ares" she called, within moments a tall, dark, handsome man in black leather appeared infront of her. "Ares, we need to talk" she stated. Ares looked at her and nodded. He produced two chairs for them to sit on and locked the temple so that no-one could enter.   
  
"Xena, my-my what a nice surprise, um…what are you doing here?" Ares asked her coyly. "I’ve come to join you once again!" Xena replied. Ares sat there shocked and bewildered. This was the last thing he expected. "Xena, could you repeat yourself!" Ares stuttered out, still recovering from the shock of the previous statement. "I SAID I WANT TO JOIN YOU AGAIN" Xena stated, anger clearly visible in her voice. Ares looked at her and said "O.Kay! May I ask why?" Xena spoke in a low voice, "Gabrielle, is the most annoying person I’ve ever met. She wants me to be friends with freaggin’ flowers etc…Besides Hercules has given up his good deeding for the next year. So that he can settle down with Iolaus and have a family. Oh come on… he’s been dressing in drag for the past six years, the yellow shirt. Was a dead giveaway. I don’t know how they are gonna do it. But you see it was BECAUSE Hercules turned me good, that I met Gabrielle. Remember, when you told me to go and kill Gabrielle, just before we fell into Illusia. You told me and I quote this ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. Ares every since I became good, I’ve put up with bard face, that is punishment enough. So yeah…they are my reasons, so can I join you again PLEASE! I’m BEGGING YOU, I’ve had ENOUGH" Xena finally shut up. "No problems Xena!" Ares asked her. Xena looked at Ares’ and realised that she found him irresistible, so she lent forward and kissed him passionately on the lips, Ares responded, he deepened the kiss and Xena’s hands started to roam but she restrained herself and broke away. Ares’ looked at her and spoke "Whoa! You know that if we joined up we would make a pretty good team again and we could bend the world to the way of force, protecting the innocent, but you know, it would be so much easier if you were a goddess. So what do you say?" Xena looked at Ares and replied "Sounds great, the weaker people need to be dominated by people like…us, I accept." Ares made a glass of Ambrosia appear and Xena drank it down, immediately she transformed into a goddess. Xena spoke "The first thing I do is destroy Potadiea and its occupants. Because of Gabrielle, I lost my son because of her daughter. She’s betrayed me numerous times. I can’t take it, my life was better before she entered into it. Because of her I was crucified" Ares looked at Xena and smiled, he had his princess back.   
  
~~~~~()~~~~~   
  
Meanwhile our favorite, loopy henbane addicted bard has realized it is raining and that her house won’t work keeping her dry. _Stupid freaggin’ flowers. I should have got leaves. Actually no…Perhaps I should go and extract revenge on a certain warrior princess. Wait I can’t because I promised Eli no violence. Also I’ve run out of Henbane. Oh to Hades with it! Ooh ooh I know I’ll build an umbrella. Yeah! What with…My clothes. Yeah if I take two sticks and take my clothes off I’ll have an umbrella and then I can go to the village and get shelter WITHOUT HARDLY ANY OF MY HENBANE!! NNNOOOO!!!_ With that Gabrielle stripped and made herself an umbrella and walked down the road. While she was walking down the road, Joxer (the one we all love to hate, who also has a crush on our favourite nutcase bard) walked up. Took one look at the naked Gabrielle and fainted on the spot. Gabrielle walked over, quickly picked him up gave him the last bit of her henbane, and slapped him on the cheek.   
  
Joxer awoke with a jerk, saw naked Gabby and laughed. Gabby knocked him unconscious and stormed off ( _I gave him the last of my Henbane! I am a fool!!! Gabby the sidekick, always looking for a hit…SHIT I’m sounding like Joxer_ ) Gabrielle then shut her head up (an almost impossible task for the bard) and continued walking towards the next town.   
  
~~~~~()~~~~~   
  
"99 bottles of port on the wall. 99 bottles of port on the wall! Take one down pass it around, there’s 4 bottles of port on the wall. 4 bottles of poooooort on the…um…wall. 4 bottles of port, take them down pass it around –hic- 12 dead bodies later there’s…"   
  
"A very drunk Xena" Ares said laughing at his drunk warrior princess.   
  
Xena was not amused, she attempted to get up but seeing that she failed and fell sideways out of her chair she tried another tactic, by grabbing hold of everything she could to pull herself along. Ares no longer able to contain his laughter was wiping away tears of mirth, when he finally retained his usual calmness he called his Princess over. Xena staggered over towards him and collapsed over him. "Princess, since you’re a goddess you can zap away that drunk feeling besides I have a feeling you might want to do that" Ares said while staring at the entrance of the temple. "Fine, I…um –hic- will do thaaaat" With a thought and grim concentration she made it go away.   
  
Now that Xena was feeling better she looked at Ares and saw he was looking at the corner of the temple, as she looked into his pupils she could see something moving in the corner. She made her breast dagger appear in her hand aimed carefully and threw it into the corner. There was a weird thudding sound and then silence. Xena unwillingly clambered off Ares’ lap and walked to the corner. She looked down and on the floor was a dead naked Gabrielle. "Ares…I’ve…killed Gabrielle" Xena stammered the words out in shock glee until something started happening to the Bards body. Ares walked over and held Xena until she recovered from the shock. "No this can’t be happening" Ares screamed "What" said Xena. "She’s turning into a goddess, buts it’s taking longer because she’s dead. The body has to find the spirit of the body"   
  
Xena thought quickly and using her powers bought Perdicus back to life and quickly made a marriage ceremony take place. She produced Gabrielle’s parents Hecuba and Herodotus. Xena hoped she had timed it right that when Gabrielle got her spirit back that when she called out Gabrielle’s name and she said yes that the marriage celebrant would be asking if she would take Perdicus to be her husband forever and to obey him.   
  
"Hmm…"Gabrielle stuttered out slowly. Xena looked at the celebrant and nodded. "Gabrielle?" Xena called out. "Yesss" cried out the now newly made goddess. The celebrant looked over at Gabrielle and then looked at Perdicus. "Gabrielle, Perdicus I now pronounce you husband and wife". Gabrielle looked at Xena who was laughing. "Noooooo" screamed Gabrielle. "Remember" Ares’ called to the bard, "You must do whatever you’re husband tells you to do, bye-bye." With that the wedding party plus Gabrielle were transported outside the temple. Ares then locked the temple…   
  
Xena laughed her head off at this new revelation “Poor Gabrielle, and she can’t do a thing about it…good thing we didn’t tell her about the if Talus dies Gabrielle has to go to rule”   
  
Ares scratched his head “Didn’t that already happen to her?”   
  
Xena sighed “Yup…but if your not lucky the first time, try, try and try again!!!”   
  
Ares looked longingly at Xena “I like the sound of that!”   
  
Ares picked Xena up into his arms and whisked off to Olympus.   
  


To Be Continued


End file.
